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Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:
1) I love you like a sister. But there is someone else in your life that is damaging all of your other relationships.
2) I swore I would never, ever say this to another stay-at-home-mom, but: What the Hell do you do all day? Your house is a health hazard, I can smell it on those rare occasions when you crack open a window. Your kids are cute but they smell too and watching them try to run or think makes my heart hurt. Either get help or stop having babies or both. I think you're a really great and interesting person, but come on. You are a grown up. Stop eating candy for breakfast and letting (or making) your kids stay up until midnight and wash a fucking dish now and then.
3) I miss you. Our friendship taught me a lot about how to be a gracious, generous person and I miss that. Unfortunately, I'm in a place right now where the parts of you I don't like outweigh the parts I miss.
4) Look, assbag: I don't care if you have a really nice car and you like to park in the handicap space because then no one's doors will bump your car. I'm not going to say I've never been tempted to park there, when there are ten empties and I'm in a hurry. But really, unless you forgot to put up your handicapped placard before you got out, I'm going to assume that you're just a selfish, lazy, holier-than-thou slut with a mental retardation issue. Then I'm going to key your little red Infinity.
5) How ya like me now?
6) I'm so incredibly proud of you, and jealous of you. You are an amazing person who sets goals and then actually achieves them. I want to be like you.
7) You're one of my favorite people in the whole world. No one has ever understood me like you do or forgiven me more for being a lazy friend. You kick ass.
8) I probably don't deserve you. Thanks for being tolerant of that fact.
9) She was wrong, about all of it. I hope you believe that, I hope you look around and see how many people adore and are in awe of you.
10) Get a life.

Nine Things About Myself:
1) I can be incredibly lazy. I've made it an art form.
2) I love school. I would go back to college and get about 5 more degrees if I could.
3) I have very little patience for fucktards.
4) I like my writing, but fear that in reality it's hackish crap that will never be published and I'll spend my life indignantly and ignorantly wondering why the hell I'm not getting published.
5) I really do have good intentions most of the time. They're paving my road to hell…
6) My secret guilty pleasure is watching celebrity news shows and reading People magazine. That's about all my girlfriends and I do on our little getaways.
7) I love animals. To the point that if there's an animal in the immediate vicinity I will stop and watch it and point it out to whomever I'm with.
8) Except spiders. Evil little minions of hell. Squish 'em.
9) I can out-drink almost anyone. Except Becky. (Ain't ya proud, Ma?)

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Don't talk down to me. Ever.
2) Laugh at me, with me, and at yourself.
3) Leave me the hell alone when I need it, and understand that it's not about you.
4) Play with my hair.
5) Massage. Lots of massage.
6) Love my writing.
7) Love my dogs. Laugh and Awwww at my bunnies.
8) Be nice to everyone, even if they're fucktards.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1) What the hell?
2) What is my daughter doing right now?
3) Is there something on my face?
4) I should accomplish something…sometime…
5) Do I have enough booze?
6) Is anyone else thinking that daily naps should be federally mandated?
7) Oo! Look! A pigeon!

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1) Watch something brainless on the tube.
2) Shower
3) Brush the choppers
4) Watch the news
5) Snuggle with the man
6) Read

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1)My family
2) Susan
3) DirtDiva
4) Sara
5) Becky

Four Things You're Wearing Right Now:
1) shirt that hides the pudginess
2) jeans
3) heels
4) my heart on my sleeve.

Three Songs That You Listen to Often:
1) Viva la Vida
2) Everything by Erasure. (That's not a song title. I literally mean everything.)
3) Theme from Barbie as Rapunzel. (not my fault….sort of…)

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1) See everything there is to see in England and Europe.
2) Spend two weeks in a tiny cabin on the beach all by myself with no contact with the outside world.

One Confession:
Ugh. I am a very insecure person who tends to freak out and withdraw when I think I've said something really stupid, which is most of the time. I'm afraid people don't like me and yet I can't seem to stop doing or saying the stupid things. I think of my friends often, but am often uncommunicative simply out of fear that I have nothing interesting to say.